I don't like conflict.

I don't care what it's about - I just hate it.

But today I read Acts 18-19, where Luke talks about Paul going to Ephesus, creating turmoil in the religious sphere (people traded religious power with the seven sons of Sceva, 19:11-20), the business sphere (the silversmith Demetrius was in charge of making statues of Artemis, but now he's out of business, 19:23-31), and the political sphere (the city clerk heard about the anti-gospel riots and needed to keep public order, 19:32-41).

I see myself as that pathetic, helpless city clerk brushing everyone's shoes just to stop all the rioting (read the passage - it's kinda funny if you picture a short, bald man saying those words. Like Cyrus in Gossip Girl). Maybe he was on the verge of being fired for not keeping public order so he had to appease everyone. Not me. I would say what he said simply because I hate conflict. I hate people turning backs against each other because of small things. I just can't handle it.

We are in the Advent season, remembering the Word becoming flesh to dwell among us. He came and flipped money changers' tables, He came and turned children against their parents, He came and basically turned the world upside down. To me, this is pretty scary conflict. As C.S. Lewis said, Jesus didn't come to be a moral teacher. With the things that he did, he's either a madman, a liar, or Lord and Savior. There is no middle ground. With my city clerk attitude, there's absolutely no resolution, no compromise.

So be ready for conflict. We as Christ's representatives must be ready to even create some conflict. That's what He came here to do anyway.

Ephesians 4

This passage really stuck out to me. These are what I got out of this:

3 Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Try always to be led along together by the Holy Spirit and so be at peace with one another.

25 Stop lying to each other; tell the truth, for we are parts of each other and when we lie to each other we are hurting ourselves. 26 If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry-get over it quickly.

29 Don't use bad language. Say only what is good and helpful to those you are talking to, and what will give them a blessing

31 Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.

These to me are images of Jesus Christ. He lived this life and so should we. It is difficult for everyone, including Christians, but we have to put off our old self and be " renewed in the spirit of [our] minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."

Kaio

I admit that it's been difficult to go into the Word and to be consistent with my quiet times. This isn't a really good post for a quiet time but here it is anyway. Lately, all I've been wanting to read in the Bible are the Gospels for reasons unknown to me. I decided to do Lectio Divina on Luke 24 on the road to Emmaus. I'm not going to go into details about what it's about so you all will have to read it if you're curious. Immediately when I reached v. 32 it caught my attention. This is what Luke 24:32 says:

They asked each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?"

This pretty much opened my eyes to the passion and fire that has weakened over the semester. I think I have been denying this and thinking that I was okay, instead I was pushing myself harder just to get through the rest of the semester. It's like I was just getting things done quickly without putting much effort in it. That was my attitude at work, school and even in AAIV. Basically, my spiritual life has been really dry.

Anyway, going back to the passage...
How their hearts burned just being in the presence of Jesus (even when they didn't know it was him) and listening to the Scripture is what I'm yearning for at the moment. This is how quiet time should be like!

Hope in Suffering

i was reading Romans 5:1-11 last weekend and the message was about hope in suffering. i picked this passage out of a devotional book and thought the subject was pertinent to how i was feeling at the time (suffering from all the work i had to get done in one weekend) =(

anyway, as always, i quickly read over the passage, not retaining much of anything, and then went and did the discussion questions. one of the discussion questions asked "describe the process that suffering initiates in verses 3-5. and i don't know why i didn't see it before but these three verses were really powerful. They read:

"and not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us."

there's so much that i can write about this devotional but the big picture (for me) was that I know there's hope in suffering, but will my [future] patients know that? and not just my patients but all the people who are suffering out there who don't know Jesus. and how can help them come to understand this?

and i feel completely selfish after i think about all of the people suffering out there. my problems seem so insignificant compared to some of the situations i encounter in the hospital (fyi, i have already started patient cares, so real nursing duties, if you didn't already know) and i know i talk about nursing school all the time, but it's become a huge part of life. it's what i think about everyday, what i am constantly practicing, it's shaping who i am. and more importantly, i am constantly thinking of ways to incorporate christianity into nursing.

but it's a struggle, mostly because i am afraid to suffer - like real suffering, not just anxiety attacks here and there - and therefore i have little hope. i know, it's sad, but please pray for suffering, hope and my role in God's Kingdom. thanks

"when the Holy Spirit comes on you" - Acts

I was reading through Acts 1-2 today. As I read about the Spirit coming at Pentecost and filling those people with the gift of tongues, I thought about what it means for me. The Spirit filled them with that power so that they can "go and make disciples" of the multitudes who needed Jesus. Obviously, the Spirit gives gifts so those who received them can further God's Kingdom. These gifts are outward-focused. I know God can suddenly zap me with a new language and I'll be off in some remote island in two minutes, but I'm also looking at how much He's already zapped me with that I'm not doing anything about. What happened to that amazing grace that saved me? What about all that love that overflows? And the peace that surpasses human understanding?

Then I got to the end of Acts 2, where it records the first-century witnessing community. The 3000 new believers were plugged in right away, devoted to the apostles' teaching, to fellowship, to breaking of bread and to prayer. And they are filled with awe. Wait, now? And I realized that my view of witnessing communities has always been warped. I always think that the destination for a group of believers witnessing together as a community is to attract (for lack of a better word) more followers. But witnessing doesn't end where people start believing. They are repeatedly thrown in awe by how the apostles love the Lord through loving each other. It's so beautiful!

luke 12:22-34

I encountered this passage this past week again reflecting over my past gig, and getting ready to prepare for the next. Titled, "Getting Perspective" Jesus challenges us not to worry about basic needs in life and instead to take another look at where our treasure (aka heart) is. This was actually one of the busier weeks I've had, getting ready for finals and 15 deadlines, literally! I was quickly glancing through our previous gig and thought back to the discussion we had last Friday about our programmed selfishness, and how God still trusts us to find our treasure in Him. Amazing. I feel that past all of the "school" there's more in our lives that clouds God in my life. It's easier to say school is busy and keeping me from Him, but I started thinking about my TREASURES in life, not just things that are keeping me too busy.

noah

today, we had our game/fun/study night.
i spent the majority of the night talking with a grad student named noah.

noah is a grad student who "sporadically" attends grad iv and accidentally came to our study night.
rachel graciously allowed him to stay and hang out with us if he was interested.

what started out as an over-friendly vibe quickly turned into noah sucking his victim into a vacuum of noah-time. initially, we took turns 'saving eachother' from noah. noah would talk over people about almost anything, trying to prove that he knew a lot, no matter what the subject was.

i saw rachel and john trying to study in the corner so i thought that i should take over a noah-shift. i sat down and was immediately sucked into noah-time, since he saw that i was giving him my full attention.

what i had hoped would be 10 minutes quickly became the entire night. in the beginning, i was very arrogant and even annoyed. a lot of times i thought about just cutting him off and politely asking him to leave. but, at one point, i realized that God had orchestrated the fact that noah stumbled into our chapter, was desperately seeking someone to talk to, and in that very moment, that person was me.

so i did something that i don't do very often. i listened.

and i listened. i listened while he talked about the differences in theological divides and what he believed. as he stumbled over his own words i could see that he was very passionate and well-meaning, but ultimately he didn't actually know as much as he feigned. (a lot thanks to my current book, know what you believe. thanks calvin, didn't know it would come in so handy until tonight.)

and i fought (with a civil, academic tone) about some things that he wasn't expressing too well. and i waited and let him ramble into more cognitive phrases.

but then, something happened. and after all of these insane intellectual and academic barricades, noah emerged. he talked very vulnerably, and told me how he had been very hurt this past month. apparently, he had been having similar conversations / debates with his more liberal friends (noah is episcopalian) which he thought were civil. and with a very close friend, he ended the conversation saying "i know we have a lot of differences and we disagree about a lot of things, but i still want to be friends." and his friend responded, "noah, i don't want to talk to you anymore."

so behind all of this crap that was spewing out of his mouth, noah was hiding a person who had been hurt deeply and recently. and if i had just shoved him out or tuned him out, he would still be disconnected and immensely hurt.

so tonight, God taught me something i'm not very good at - to be patient. and He showed me tonight that beyond exteriors, people are essentially the same and they really do need love. christian or not.

i feel very humbled and ashamed about my initial reactions to noah.
and though i didn't run around playing super smash tonight, i think God used this opportunity and this time to teach me something that can only be learned in practice.

so i'm very thankful that noah stumbled into aaiv tonight and that he shared some of his life with me.

i realize that this is not what this blog is for ... but this is the strongest lesson that i've learned from God this week. iron sharpens iron, and we can all learn something from each other.

john 13 -- reflection on shame

hey all,

not sure quite what the format is... but i studied ahead for next semester and have been meditating on john chapter 13 (jesus washing the disciples' feet)

the big thing i'm realizing is that.. yes.. jesus is committing the ultimate act of humility... BUT.. there's also a strong aspect of counter-cultural discomfort on peter's part... by allowing his rabbi and Lord to wash his feet. peter's response is, what i think, our response should be when it comes to means of receiving grace... MINE! at the same time... peter's willingness to be cross-cultural and to experience the shame of allowing his rabbi to wash his feet... is something we need to aspire to, as well. (i really think part of the disciples' reaction against jesus washing their feet was the stigma and idea of an elder and teacher doing the work of a servant for them and how socially reprehensible that was. imagine if our parents volunteered to wash our cars or came to our apartments/dorm rooms and cleaned our bathrooms and took out our trash)

i've shared with some of you before about how i hate being 'that' christian -- the one people run away from, the one people roll their eyes to because they know he's going to give a cliche holy answer. but how much shame am i willing to bear on behalf of the cross, on behalf of my faith? am i willling to be 'that' christian among my non-christian friends? yes.. jesus christ bore our shame.. and in him we stand unashamed before our heavenly father.. but i think part of serving jesus in this life involves bearing the earth's shame with joy and gladness.

this isn't to say i don't believe in showing love before judgment... or that i don't believe in properly communicating the gospel in strategic ways. but i think i far too often as a shame-based, wanting-to-be-accepted, not wanting to be the stereotypical fundamentalist bible banger 21st century asian american err way too far on the non-confrontational. why not the truthful, loving, counter-cultural, and downright self-shaming expression of the gospel in order to receive and share christ's grace and love?

woohoo

i'm so excited! yay accountability and sharing!

ok that is all.

blog up!

hello friends!

welcome to aaiv esl - a place for double a's leadership to write their quiet times and reflections as a source of accountability and encouragement.

remember: at least once a week. :)